My Struggle

When grief blinds me to my blessings
Please God open my eyes to see
All that I have surrounding me.
So many who love me dearly and care
Who want to share in this battle I’m facing
Help me to overcome and win
This desperate struggle I find myself in
To bring me out of this valley of shadow
Into the sunshine of a bright tomorrow
Leaving behind the dismal, sorrowing days
For an abundant life overflowing with praise.

Today I thank God who has given me
Such wonderful friends and family
I pray they may be blessed abundantly
For all their loving kindness to me
Restoring my faith in God through humanity
Removing scales from my eyes to let me see.

Ruth Jessup

Autopilot

I seem to be on autopilot
Drifting through day after day
Most things have lost their interest for me
Ever since you went away.

I am told that life continues
I realise this is true
But everything has less meaning
Now I’m alone; without you.

They keep telling me time will gradually heal
Deep inside I know this is right
But the void at present I have in my heart
Never leaves me day or night.

I hope that soon I’ll be able to switch
From autopilot to flying again
Moving on to many new things, yet knowing
You are always with me in the plane.

Ruth Jessup

Eternal Tears

These tears are not bitter
But very sweet
That are now gently coursing
Down my cheeks.

For they spring from a full heart
Of deepest love
Now overflowing to my loved one
In heaven above.

And I know, because God’s Word
Tells me so
They will be collected by God
My love to show.

God’s bottle is large and will preserve
Every single tear
I’ve shed so many since you left me
September, last year.

The very essence of God is love
He cares for you
Wiping away your tears in heaven
Till I come too.

At last, together, around God’s throne
In His home
All sorrow and crying and pain
Will be gone.

Psalm 56:8
Revelation 21:4

Ruth Jessup

Blue Sky

The day is warm; the sun is bright
All the windows are letting in light
Yet around me hangs a cloud of despair
Profound feelings I’m unable to share
My whole sky is overcast
How long will this dreadful sadness last?

Only until I look up and see
There’s actually blue sky over me
God reminds me He is still there
Longing to give me His loving care.

Ruth Jessup

Aloneness

I cannot say I have lost my home because I know where it is.
I cannot say I have lost my husband because I know where he is.
Yet both have gone and I am left feeling sad, alone and bereft.
I have cried so many tears these many past years
And yet the tear well never runs dry.
I wonder why?
I no longer have my children.
They are not lost because I know where they are
And yet they are remote.
To whom can I turn in my aloneness?
God.

He gives me this promise:

“My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest.
Do not be afraid.
Do not be discouraged.
I will go before you.
I will be with you.
I will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

My aloneness disappears.

Exodus 33:14
Deuteronomy 31:8

Ruth Jessup

Depressing Dysfunction

I feel like a nobody
Of no consequence
Life is so meaningless
I really feel deeply depressed.

Why am I in this pit again?
Is the question I ask myself
When I have so much to make me glad
A home, food, family and wealth.

Is it because someone isn’t here
Walking with me by my side
Helping me overcome problems and pain
That I’m swimming against the tide?

Yes, I think this is probably the reason
Because half of me has gone
And I’m only functioning now in part
Doing everything alone.

Ruth Jessup

Anniversary Thoughts

I no longer celebrate the day you were born
Anniversaries of that day arrive then quickly are gone
But I always remember the day you died
For that is the day you were glorified
Taken by God to your heavenly home
Where you are waiting for me to come
So I now celebrate that unforgettable day
That became for you your eternal birthday.

Ruth Jessup

Waiting

I’m on my own and waiting
Waiting for a tearless day
It’s only just a few weeks
Since you quietly went away.

A year on I’m still waiting
Waiting for my heart to mend
Hoping soon my smile will be genuine
That I’ll no longer have to pretend.

Two years on the waiting
Is gradually causing less pain
And I am at last accepting
That on earth I’ll not see you again.

Now I look forward with expectant hope
To the day when I will come
To join you in the heavenly home
Where once again we will be one.
All my waiting over and done.

Ruth Jessup

Grief

I pull my tears inwards
Not wanting others to see my pain
I keep silent
But silence is exhausting me.
I long for seclusion
So I can let out my sobs.
I hug my misery close
Not wanting outsiders to intrude
Into the intimacy of my grief.
By keeping others at arms’ length
I protect my vulnerability.
I feel so very fragile
So lonely. So unloved.
This alien feeling
Is seated profoundly within.
Every now and then
Triggered by a small significance
It rises to the surface
Overflows in tears unshed
For my anguish and dejection
I hug tightly to myself.

Ruth Jessup

Touching

I search for your touch
The feel of your hand in mine
For assurance, comfort.
The touch of your arm around my shoulder
Protecting me. Guiding me.
Around my waist in teasing playfulness.
The touch of your lips on mine
In the sweetness of kisses.
The touch of passion, intimacy
So much touching gone.

I search for that touch
Long for the feel of your touching embrace
But it’s gone. Gone for ever.
It will never return
Touching stops with death.

Ruth Jessup